The Holy Grail Of Sleep

After 10 months and 1 week we finally had our first night of what I can begin to call sleeping through.

The hardest part of having a baby is without a doubt the sleep deprivation. It is truly horrible and as my health visitor pointed out "there is a reason it is used as a form or torture".

During the last 10 months I have ranged from exhausted, grumpy, irritable. Suffered with dizziness and headaches, walked into door/door frames through exhaustion and even questioned whether I needed to see my GP about post natal depression.

I resisted the GP, not because I cared what he diagnosed but because I knew the first thing he would do would be to slide a depression questionnaire over the desk to me and I knew that grief and a lack of sleep would have me answering yes to every single question. He could prescribe me whatever he wanted but until I got some sleep nothing was likely to improve.

Thankfully I was put in touch with a lovely lady through my health visitor, one who had suffered endless nights of sleeplessness and understood its impact on a mums life. She agreed that a good nights sleep would clear my head and allow me to consider whether I needed to visit my GP.

After discussing a range of approaches and attempting everything I could to encourage Munchie to sleep for longer than 90 minutes at a time it soon became apparent that he had serious sleep associations. He could not get to sleep without either a dummy or me feeding him. Without a doubt one of my biggest regrets from breastfeeding was feeding on demand and allowing Munchie to fall asleep whilst feeding. I had made a rod for my own back.

There is only so long anyone can function on so little sleep. The prospect of returning to work and driving 80 miles a day on that amount of sleep was not only terrifying it was also dangerous. There was no way it would be possible and yet not working was equally impossible.

I know many many people are hugely against controlled crying. All I would say to these people is no parent wants to let their  child cry. Listening to them upset breaks your heart but just imagine how low and desperate a parent must feel to reach a stage where they are ready to try controlled crying.

Understandable I reached that stage. It was the last thing I wanted to do but I was at breaking point. I was not "damaging him for life" I was teaching him a new skill, how to sleep and also improving the quality of life for myself, Mr C and Snaffles. We all needed sleep.

It has been long and hard and dropping the feeds has been key to reclaiming sleep. Dropping the middle of the night feeds worked to a degree, Munchie has been sleeping from 7pm until around 4am from the end of November.  However since going back to work these early morning feeds are killing me. Getting back into bed at 4:30 am and knowing your alarm will go off shortly makes returning to sleep near impossible.

This week I have weaned Munchie off his early morning feed. He now only has a bedtime feed from me. Finally this weekend Munchie slept from 7pm until 5:30am. He woke up happy and shouting for Daddy and more than made up for the lack of a breastfeed with 3 bowls of porridge!

Yes it has taken a little crying to get here but we're happy, he's happy. That's all that matters to me.

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Horray For Boobies

1. Why did you choose boob over bottle?

The benefits for both mum and baby made it seem like the best choice. It also sounded so easy and simple when it was recommended by every health professional I came across during my pregnancy.

2. How long did you breastfeed or are you planning to breastfeed?

We have now been feeding for 10 months as as much as I love it it is, and always has been my aim to wean Munchie off the breast by around 12 months.  After only succeeding in feeding Snaffles for a very short amount of time I knew how hard and exhausting feeding was so I have always had a one day at a time approach with Munchie. 1 day, 1 week, 1 month. Initially I secretly hoped to make it to 6 months with Munchie but after hitting 6 months, getting over the pain, the latch issues, the sheer exhaustion it kind of felt a waste to stop feeding now when I had worked so hard to establish feeding. 

3. What is the best thing about breastfeeding?

Convience. Anywhere, any time I can fee him. Hunger, tiredness, illness, teeth, I can make Munchie feel better through all of these with a feed. Holidays, days out, camping, there are a lot of things that I do not think we would have done with a newborn baby had we not been breastfeeding, it would have been just too much hassle. 

4. Did you have to overcome challenges on your breastfeeding journey?

Thankfully we have been thrush and mastitis free. For this I know we are very lucky and I am very thankful that we haven't had to experience these. Our only issue was a very painful latch at first. Despite having midwives, health visitors, breastfeeding friends and peer supporters check my latch it seemed that I just had a painful letdown. Tow curling into carpet painful. Those first few sucks of every feed were agony.We fought through this for the first 6 weeks and then feeding just settled down. I know they say feeding should not hurt but in my experience it does.

5. Who supported you the most with breastfeeding?

I can not choose one specific person. My breastfeeding journey has only been possible thanks to a collection of amazing friends and family. Mr C who looked after the house, Snaffles and me to allow me the time and rest necessary to concentrate on the feeding. Leaving me snacks and drinks in the nursery during the night. Both Mr C and my mum were fantastic in their words of support and encouragement. They knew that when I doubted myself I did not want to quit and that I just needed a confidence boost to get me back on track. 

Two of my best friends are fellow breast feeders and were great for asking questions, having a good moan about the sheer exhaustion and a good old whinge when needed. 

The peer supporters at my local breastfeeding support group have also been fantastic support, swapping stories, seeking advice to feeding problems and generally helping with confidence in feeding. 

I have been very fortunate to be surrounded with fantastic friends. I have been made to feel entirely comfortable with my choice to feed Munchie, both when friends and partners were at our home and also when I have visited their homes. 

6. How did you feel when you first breastfed in public?

This was one of my biggest fears. When I had Snaffles I was not confident in feeding in public. I honestly think that you will struggle to succeed in breastfeeding if you are not willing to feed in public. Particularly in the early weeks feeding is frequent and unpredictable. If you are not willing to feed in public you are unlikely to ever succeed in leaving the house in those first weeks. This was one of the major factors in me not continuing to feed Snaffles. 

With Munchie I made sure to face this fear early on. With Mr C there for support we chose a quite cafe, chose a fairly secluded seat and attempted our first public feed. It went ok, I felt like everyone in the cafe was staring at me when in fact I doubt anyone even noticed. I felt proud of our first feed and since then have lost count of how often we have fed in public. Occasionally I still have a wobble and feel self conscious but know that usually it is all in my imagination. 

7. Have you been questioned for breastfeeding?

Thankfully not. I was ready and armed though and ready for anyone who dared say anything to me. Any questions I have had about feeding have been well meant questions out of curiosity from fellow mums.

8. Has breastfeeding made you feel different about your body?

Breastfeeding leaves me feeling very conflicted. I look at Munchie, I see him growing and gaining weight and I am in total awe that he is here and thriving because of me and my body. However, my early weeks of feeding came at a difficult time in my life and my choice to breastfeed Munchie left me conflicted. He needed me at home to feed him but my Grandad was very poorly in hospital and I wanted to be there with him. It was hard feeling tied to Munchie and I knew that formula would give me the freedom to be at the hospital where I needed to be. 

I also do not enjoy feeling like a feeding machine, nor the cow to a milking machine when expressing and as for my poor empty boobs. Well, they are never going to be the same again!

9. What do you wish you had known before making the decision to breastfeed your baby?

I think knowledge is definitely power when it comes to breastfeeding. If you don't know about cluster feeding you will doubt your supply, if you don't know how breast milk is made up and how easily it is digested you will doubt whether your baby can be hungry again. If you are surrounded by friends with babies who sleep through the night you will question whether your baby would sleep better on formula. 

It is hard and exhausting at first but when you find your feet it is fantastic, easy and such a special time.

If you are reading this and are a fellow breast feeder then consider yourself tagged. You can also head over to Mummy Alarm and join in her linky. 

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Back To Work

I appear to be having a major dip in energy levels. In part I suspect this is due to my body's crazy iron and B12 issues but mainly it is as a result of my recent return to work.

Going back to work after maternity leave is daunting and nerve wracking enough let alone starting a new role at a new place of work. I am still finding my feet, learning the ropes and trying to remember everybody's names but I am getting there.  I have gone from thinking I made a huge mistake in leaving my old job to starting to see that it was the right move for me. 

I get to spend time with both of my boys before work. 

This is the first year I have been able to make Snaffles pancakes on pancake day. I am usually out too early and back to late because of the commute.

I can now be involved in the nursery run, I see Munchie at nursery, see him playing with his friends and get to know his carers. 

I now travel 8 miles a day to get to/from work instead of the previous 80 miles. 

Petrol now costs me £50 a month instead of £250 a month. 

I get lots of time with my family after work. We have time for baths, giggles, dancing, playing. I can share a bath with Munchie after work if I want and we are able to eat before the boys go to bed leaving my evening free to spend with Mr C. 

When the evenings are lighter we will have time for evening walks, bike rides or trips to the park. 

I also get to do the school run for Snaffles twice a week. Its not my ideal but unless we win the lottery it is the best I can manage so that is good enough for me.

These may sound like small things, things many of you already do but these are the types of things that I missed out on in my old job. 

I can not help but feel a little guilty for having missed out on all of these things so far. 

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Review -Bananagrams Products

After watching a few other bloggers compete with virtual games of Bananagrams I was excited to be offered the opportunity to review some of Bananagrams products.

Fruitominos

A more child friendly and appealing game of dominos. Snaffles has recently started playing dominos but tends to get overwhelmed by all the black tiles and white dots. Sometimes he can't see what numbers he has for all the dots. Fruitominos replace the white dots with fruit. We loved the white ceramic tiles, the fruit made the numbers easier to recognise and a zip up case is much more practical than the traditional domino box. 

A big thumbs up from Snaffles.

Appletters

 Snaffles has just turned 5 (yesterday) and is in reception year at school. He knows his phonics and is at the stage where he is learning to join letters up to form words.  To play Appletters you make words beginning or ending with the last tile played. We have been playing this with the words Snaffles thinks of and I try and incorporate the school wordgs he is supposed to be learning. He struggles with words ending in a certain letter so we stick to words beginning with. Thats the simplicity of it. It's a bag of lettered tiles, you play to suit your age and ability.

Great educational fun. Again, we loved the zip up apple shaped storage bag.

Bananagrams

A similar concept to scrabble but no board. Fun, portable and addictive. Snaffles is too young for this really. Mummy isn't though. 

What better way to test it out than to join A Mother's Ramblings January Bananagram challenge. Pippa has a special set of Bananagrams which are magnetic. I am tempted to put magnets on mine but little fingers and mouths mean I can't at the minute. You know your addicted when you make it your mission to use every tile (which I achieved).

For the hard core addicts who possess Apple products there is now a Bananagram app.

Great games for all the family.

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40 Week & 6 Days

Dear Munchie,

For 286 days I carried you inside me. I kept you safe, calmed you with my movement, lulled you to sleep as my heart beat against you. In return you reassured me that you were ok with your gentle movements and kicks.

Every day I wonder where the time has gone and where my baby has disappeared to.

You have changed so much recently. As hard as I try, I can not help but compare you to your brother. You are growing more and more alike to your brother in your looks yet to me you are so very different. Your temperament, mannerisms, development,  such a very different personality.

At this age your brother was just learning how to rock on all fours. You have been crawling for a few months already and are now confidently cruising around the furniture.

Your brother was so cautious, careful and considered in his discovery of the world. You are so care free, brave, adventurous and mischeivous.

Your brother would sit, concentrate and play. You are inquisitive and intruiged to go in search of new things.

Munchie, there are things which you do that are yours and yours alone. Things that I remember for you and not for comparisons to your brother. Your hands reached upwards for mummy to scoop you up, your waves of delight when we come into the room, your curious frown at the door when daddy and Snaffles leave for work and school.

Despite this it is your brotherly bond that makes my heart both melt with love and swell with pride

Hearing your first vocal expression of the morning be directed to your big brother
Hearing his footsteps across the landing as he goes into your room each morning to see you. Footsteps which used to head to us have been replaced with a new path each morning.
Watching you turn to him when we collect him from school.
Watching you crawl down the hallway each morning as Snaffles and daddy leave for school and work.
Watching you crawl into Snaffles bedroom to seek him out.
Watching Snaffles look out for you as you are playing, passing you toys you have dropped.
Watching his patience with you when you are taking toys from him which you shouldn't.
Watching him sing and pull faces at you in the car when you are upset.

My boys, so very different children yet both the apple of the others eye.

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And Then You Were Five

Dear Snaffles.

Happy 5th birthday my handsome little boy.

This is the first year where you will spend your birthday at school with your friends instead of at home with Mummy and Daddy.

Long gone are the nappies and pushchairs, I suddenly seem to be mummy to a very grown up little boy.

Full of questions, eager to discover and learn new things, excited to run around outside exploring but still happy to cuddle up to mummy after school.

You have discovered Lego, Starwars and Scooby Doo.

You like bike rides, pyjama days and hot chocolate.

You are now old enough for cinema trips, theme parks and camping.

You are confident and outgoing with your friends, gentle and caring with your little brother and will forever be our loving little boy.

Love and hugs from
Mummy and Daddy

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A Sad Goodbye To Daytime Nursing

Tomorrow Munchie will have his last ever daytime breastfeed.

A combination of new job, returning to work and Munchie's refusal to take milk from anything other than me means its time to drop his only daytime feed.

He will continue to have his early morning feed and bedtime feed from me but in the day he will now survive on food.

My feeding journey has been very emotional. Initially I worried whether I would manage to feed this time. I then counted time as an ascending amount of time, 7 days, 10 days, 2 weeks, 1 month. 

However, this ascending time soon began to feel like a burden, tied to Munchie for every feed, unable to leave him for any substantial amount of time and the only person who could tend to him during the night. I soon moved to counting down until when I could stop feeding altogether. 

My aim to feed until 6 months was extended to 12 months. Its rewarding, its beneficial, its one of my favourite times with Munchie but it is also hard and draining and your body is not your own. 

I have been counting down for so long that I am surprised to find myself feeling sad and emotional about dropping his last daytime feed. 

I will miss our public day time feeds, no longer do they make me nervous, I feel confident, liberated and embrace the public feeds. I have surprised even myself. We have fed in parks, on beaches, camping, in theme parks, cafes, restaurants and in a tent in the middle of "Go Outdoors". 

However, it is time. Time to begin to reclaim my body, time to teach him to feel safe away from Mummy, time for us to start a new chapter together. For him to begin to appreciate mummy for her tickles and smiles and stories and not for what he can take from my body. 

So, tomorrow afternoon I will snuggle on our bed with my baby boy and we will share our final daytime breastfeed.

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