In a momentary lapse of my senses I thought that home waxing would be a good idea, finding the waxing kit on half price sale was like fate telling me it was meant to be.
I set out my equipment, ensured that Snaffles was suitably preoccupied, what I was about to attempt was daunting enough without his little head gawping at the soon to be massacre asking what it is and what I am doing.
A quick read of the instructions revealed that the product was “not to be used on hair older than 1 week old” - Surely it cant be that bad then if its intended to be repeated so often.
Pre-cleaning wipes applied, wax strips suitably warmed between my hands, strip smoothed on. So, the instructions now state “to pull skin taught and quickly pull wax strips away from hair”. Right, here goes, 1.2.3.. No I cant do it. 1.2.3, my brain is saying pull but my hands and bikini area are screaming No. 1.2.3.OUCH, what the hell was that, I am sure I have removed the top layer of my skin, the waxing strip says otherwise, in fact the waxing strip seems to be virtually empty, hairs remain attached to me but they are now covered with a bright blue sticky wax mixture. Then there is the pain, my skin is on fire, already angry red blood vessels are appearing and there is bruising. I distinctly remember that the instructions said that if I held my skin taught bruising would be minimal. This is not my idea of minimal.
I keep moving through the instructions, they assure me that the “post cooling” strips will give relief. Are they kidding, have the people that invented and wrote these instructions used the product? No little wipe is going to bring post cooling relief after that blood bath. Is this some women hating mans idea of a joke?
Oh, and wait, there is more. I still have the other side to do! Great!
I now have a very red, bruised and only slightly less hairy bikini line!
It was all I could manage just to “tidy up” Hats off to anyone sporting a Brazilian, a landing strip or a Hollywood.
I am so sorry hair removal cream, please forgive me. I will not doubt you again. We were meant to be together, I will not be swayed by promises of longer lasting smooth skin and half price offers again. You will have exclusive rights and pride of place in my bathroom cabinet for the rest of my days. Please take me back.