When I first returned to work I told myself and others that I was doing it for my family, that we couldn't afford for me to not work. I felt guilty for leaving Munchie at nursery and for not being the person to collect Snaffles everyday from school.
However, I have come to realise that this is not strictly true. Yes I do need to work, yes we can't afford for me not to, but deep down, even if we could afford it, I would still choose to work.
I had forgotten what being at home everyday was like, a lack of conversation, the same toys, games and child to entertain all day everyday.
I have 1 day off each week, it was today. I try to be a good mum, to read and sing, play games and draw, to make homemade food and avoid relying on the tv.
At the minute though I feel like cross, short tempered, shouty mum. I don't think I have high expectations. Just one wee without a child between my legs, to make a sandwich without a child balanced on my hip, for meals not to be pushed away and refused. For the children to play for 10 minutes without throwing toys/hitting/biting the other (this is always Munchie hurting Snaffles).
This is what today has been like.....
I cuddle him, he cries,
I play with him, he cries,
I feed him, he cries,
We sing, he cries (possibly connected!)
We listen to music, he cries,
We play silly games, he cries
We watch cartoons, he cries,
I have wished I were at work,
I know I have no desire to ever expand our family.
Being a stay at home is not for me. I love my family dearly but I also need to be me. Hats off to those stay at home mums who can make it work for them. After today I think being a working mum is the easier job. Being any mum at all at the minute just feels like very hard work.